Wishful thinking

I wish that smoking was illegal. I wish that somehow it really hit home what it does to me. Perhaps if my parents had died of lung cancer, I would feel a lot differently towards smoking. My Daddio died of skin cancer and I haven't seen the sun in over four years. Why can't I do that with smoking? Why can't I see what it does?

I remember when I really started smoking. It was College. Jamie Bauer and I would just sit outside our dorm room and smoke. It was social then. I made so many friends that year, most likely, through smoking. The second day I was at college I went outside to smoke (a pack that was probably half done from the entire summer itself) and I had lots of students (ok, ok...they were male) come up to me and introduce themselves. Perhaps I didn't realize the correlation between the two until now....but it really helped me meet people.

I am at the age now where I don't meet as many people. Friends are set in stone. The chances of meeting someone while out smoking has diminished dramatically. Smoking is becoming more and more of a habit and not as seen as something "cool". And as I'm older, I am thinking more and more about health issues. I want to be a runner. I want to be in the best shape of my life. But smoking does not fit into those categories. At.all.

Both my parents were smokers at one point. I only remember my Dad smoking and it was while we were in Kinderseley. He was sitting at the kitchen table with his leg crossed and smoking. But that's it. I don't ever recall any other time. Apparently my Mom (who was, in her prime, quite motivated and a fantastic runner), had quit cold turkey without telling my Dad. I remember him saying he was upset that she didn't tell him. But, that made him quit, too. My Mom and Dad were quite active and here I am...smoking. Its almost the least I can for them.

Openly smoking in front of my parents was really never an option. My sister and I may have "stepped outside", but never while we were visible to them. They knew.....we knew they knew....but nothing was really ever said about it. But honestly, we were of age, what could they do but say, " That's bad. " I just remember the only we had a conversation about it was when I was home from college and I hadn't smoked a cigarette all day and I told my Dad that and he looked so happy. That was probably the first time that we both acknowledged out loud what I do. (.....I left that night to go back to LaCrosse and smoked a bunch to "make-up" for what I didn't smoke that day.)

I suppose I need to treat this like it's an addiction. Because it is. At the moment, its a drug to me. I need to treat it like one. I want to be healthy so that one day, when I do decide to have a baby, my body is a healthy home for it.

Oi. I know its just a matter of making a decision to quit but it feels soooooo much deeper than that. As I'm sure it is, I want to somehow find the strengh the beat it.

Here's hoping.